Hindsight is 20/20

I went to the eye doctor last week, and I am awaiting my new specs.  Anyone who wears glasses knows that the new prescription can do some unsettling things to your eyes in the first day or so.  It is as if a fog is lifted, you can see farther into the distance, and then it becomes clear how little you were seeing before.  Your brain almost hurts, and your eyes tire because you are busy trying to look at ALL THE THINGS.

I think the adage “Hindsight is 20/20” is partially correct; hindsight doesn’t make things clear.  It reveals how much fog was clouding your vision.  It isn’t like my old self can look into my past and all of a sudden see clearly.  It is because I have history and experience that I can identify the fog that was there all along.

I have talked to friends who have special friends in their care ,and they have reported similar experiences.  In the early months and years of your child’s life you see certain things and you don’t exactly identify them as troubling right from the start.  You see a tantrum here, gestures there, hands covering ears here, and sensitivities there and you just assume your sweet boy/girl is funny.  The quirks are different, but aren’t ALL kids just working through developing preferences?  Forget about kids!  I am 35 and still developing my preferences!

I use Timehop.  For anyone unfamiliar with this app, it collects all of your social media posts and tells you what you were doing 1 year ago, 3 years ago, 7 years ago…  My Timehop had a video of it on Saturday that shook me up a bit.  It was Obie.  Sweet, precious, loving little Obie.  He was playing with a toy that wasn’t cooperating.  He got angry.  He threw it across the floor.  I took video.  I don’t know what was more upsetting.  That I thought it was cute, or that his response to frustration hasn’t evolved or matured as he has.  Hindsight hasn’t made that any clearer, but it has revealed the fog that I was in.

There is nothing wrong with not seeing something that is right in front of you.  There isn’t anything wrong with having to wade through experiences, time, and endless appointments for the fog to be identified.  There isn’t anything wrong with missing it.

The second we start to second guess our ability to SEE is the second we buy into the lie that if we had seen earlier, things would be different now.  That we could have helped him faster.  That we would be further along in our efforts.  What incredible egos we have if we buy into this lie.  Like I could be his Savior, and by not putting two and two together I have failed him.  Obie is who he is.  He will always be who he is.  We can give him tools.  We can help him.  We can offer him our best.  But ultimately, God has plans that go well beyond “catching” it or “seeing” it or “identifying” it or “diagnosing” it.  Because IT isn’t IT at all.  He is a he.